Realitus Disappointus

spudsexuall:

My boyfriend talks in his sleep and because he’s bilingual, he says some hilarious/weird/sometimes creepy shit. I ask him every morning if he remembers saying this stuff and he has no idea about any of it. 

Here are some of my favorites:

-”Babe, can you please turn down the brightness of your skin”
-After stealing all of the blankets: “This is my right as a human”
-After I take the blankets back: “I don’t want your freedom, America. Just blanket”
-Sometimes he just says “Hello?” as if he’s answering a phone call
-One night he just said “Cabbage” which is weird because he doesn’t know the english word for that when he’s awake. 
-After spooning me: “You have a nice butt”
-”Who is that in the corner?” (terrifying)
-”Watch out for the red lady” (even more terrifying)
-Sometimes he will say things in German and it sounds like he’s speaking Parseltongue
-One time I actually think he said something in Parseltongue
-One time he talked about buying a ticket to “everywhere” and then just said “hello?” after two minutes of silence
-And my all time favorite: ”This is MY yogurt, Satan”

smol-biscuit:

My Mom: You should make spending less time on the internet one of your new years resolutions

Me:

runonsentencesaboutemotions:

s3diya:

irrelevenceisfutile:

letsmcfreakingloseit:

bemusedlybespectacled:

think of it as a percentage of heat

40% hot? eh, kind of on the chilly side

75% hot? that’s pretty warm now

20% hot? that’s actually not warm at all

110% hot? we’re dying

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW

Fun fact: the Fahrenheit scale is used in temperature according to how it feels to a human. So looking at in percents actually is what you should do

Now can I get a cheat sheet for Celsius

Ask water how hot it feels.

parks-and-rex:

When you got the receipts and you get  the perfect opportunity to leave them in shambles